Feelings. It sounds such an ominous subject, with so meny ways it could go.
Maybe "emotions" would have been a better title, but it's not as accurate as I feel it could be. Emotions to me don't quite encompass what I keep trying to put down. I keep trying, whether getting things down, or just trying to get the words to start off in my head, but I never seem to have got there.
Mostly it's the problem of working out myself.
The problem in being someone who always works in facts is the problem of when you aren't sure. How do you work with things that aren't facts.
So I'll start with the feelings and facts I do know.
I'm transsexual. I have doubts when I get depressed, but I think that's more the depression, as in general I am much better mentally as Chloe than I ever was as David.
I'm bisexual. I have feelings for people of either sex, but for reasons I can only describe as a safety net, I've felt more comfortable mentally with someone like myself. I don't really know why, although part of it I guess, is the feeling they understand me and I have a better chance of understanding them. And so I seem to angle for relationships that take that into account.
For a long time, I felt I was a lesbian, because although I had some feelings for men, they didn't seem to "click" in my head the way a woman does. I look at the female form more, but less and less do I feel jeolous, infact, part of it is "she looks nice", and the other part is "Hmm, that works well, I wonder how I'd look in that dress/skirt/etc". But men.. until recently I could be with Fated, and he'd comment on someone's body, and I wouldn't beable to see a thing he was talking about.
But the other week, I think when we were in London, something happened. I can't remember what, but I do remember the feeling in my head of "oh, he's got a nice arse!". I felt embrassed inside. I didn't say it outloud..
It seems strange, maybe part of the reawaking I seem to be going though. Part of it seems to be the trying to leave bits of my past behind me. Maybe it's all tied up together. Hmm..
So maybe the "comfort" I feel with others may broaden out. I know I've really missed having company.
Maybe there's a lot more all tied up together then I can really know about. Maybe it will all slowly change as I do again.
I'm a switch. This is a harder one to put down.
Some times I want to be dominant, sometimes submissive.
This also seems to revolve around work, which seems a very strange thing to say.
When I worked at Multimax, I didn't make disisions, I just did the work. I'd leave at whatever, and at home I was able to leave the "skin" of work, and be myself. I was coming to terms with how I felt about myself, and trying to make plans to do something about it.
And online, I was often dominant with others. Playing around online seems a weird way to let it out, but that's the only outlet I had. I'd play with Kristy, who became my pet, and we'd talk and play, I felt I was letting things out that I wouldn't ever do otherwise.
When she visited me with Jessie on the way to/from Thailand, I wasn't the same person.
When I lost my job with Multimax, and started my own company, the stress and pressure changed. I had to make the decisions. I couldn't leave the "skin" of work anywhere. I was working from my bedroom, a mistake.
I have found myself since then getting more and more submissive. When Kristy visited, I was sort of at the turning point. With Fated I know it's got stronger. With work, it's got stronger still.
I hate the feeling of having let someone down. I want to do my best for my clients, but the feeling inside when something doesn't work out is almost devisating.
Losing a client is like I've failed.
And it eats a little of me inside.
Part of this really came out with watching a film the other day. .
Part of it clicked with me on a very deep level. I've never self-harmed.. but the thought has been there. So have worst feelings. I've wanted to kill myself.
Because I've felt I wasn't important to people.
And I know that is a very strong, and important feeling for myself.
I want to be useful, I want to help people.
I don't want to let people down.
I'll lend people money I really shouldn't, because it makes me feel useful.
I hate people to pay for things when I'm around, even though I'll get worried about money later.
All of this seems to be the same feelings, all trying to find an outlet.
An outlet I don't seem to have found yet.