So why do I say my past is broken?
I've tried to live the life peeople seemed to want to see, inside of the
real me. I tried to be everything to everyone, and not just be myself and
let others deal with what I actually am like.
My past is broken at a definitive point.
13th of May 2003 is the point where my life breaks and the real me had no
choice but to try to be heard.
On the 13th I became myself legally, that's a break.
On the 13th my old medical records stop, and a new set begin, that's a
break.
So who am I?
At the end of the day. I'm myself. For the first time ever.
Chloe. That's all I ever need to be.
Want to know more?
My full name is Chloe Elizabeth Cresswell.
I'm the owner and one of the partners in a successful IT company based in the north east of England. I'm a pre-operative transexual, heading male to female. For the past few months I have been on medication to help me on my way, and recently (May 13th 2003) started my real life test which will end up leading to my surgery.
This however, has been set back by a disagreement between myself and the consultant I was seeing. Basicly, I couldn't feel I could trust him.
The future which was once so clear, and then clouded, is slowly clearing again. Knowing what is happening, knowing that I now have a place to live that I can rely on.
Sometimes I heavily wonder who I am though.
That always seems to be something I can not answer, nor can anyone else.
I'm around 6 foot 3 inches before whatever size heels I have on my shoes. Also I have started to find that my normal shoes and boots (with a 2 inch heel) are more comfortable on my feet than the trainers I normally used to wear. I don't know if any of that is just down the pairs of trainers I have at the moment. One is new and the other pair falling to bits.
Finding shoes has always been a pain for me, although my feet have shrunk a little, leaving me with "just" a size 11 foot. This has made it slightly easier to find shoes that fit, although shopping online still is really my only option.
To relax I.. I don't really do anything. I'm not very good at relaxing. It's often always work work work for myself. Seems so hard to take my mind off the hook and enjoy something for no real reason.
I'm now under care of the NHS at the PorterBrook Gender Identity Clinic. For the first time I an taking medication with medical supervision and backup. For the first time I can speak to someone who will give me advice, rather then listen to me and never give anything that helps me learn.
I am very into computers, more than I want to be now.
Although sometimes, I wish I wasn't. In some ways I feel, often, that I should just drop off the net completely. I've been around for a long time, and I don't change with it, I just stick to where I know, where I feel at home. And as these last few places dry up, I feel like there's no place for me here. In that way, my name online has changed.
Once ChloeRed, now I'm just plain Chloe.
Feeling alone in a world of friends.
Running my servers and domains doesn't really take up any time at all though. One of the servers is called procione (Italian for raccoon).
So many things in life I felt I've pushed away.
So many things in life I've felt I had to be the best, had to prove it, always. Now I don't know how to be just me. It's a long, slow process to relearn what you've forgotten.
Now is the time to rebuild. To stop it and start to go forward again, not to retreat as I always have.
Myabe that's the reflection that was broken.
Time to start repairing it.
Sometimes things happen that seem so good to keep out of context. You can find a collection of them here.